As someone coming close to their 40th wedding anniversary, I can say with some confidence that the secret to a good marriage is to look after each other. It is really as simple as that. How you feel about each other will differ from time to time, but if you remain consistent in simply looking after each other, regardless of your feelings of the moment, your feelings will follow your actions reliably and consistently.
The problem with most advice about marriage these days, and that seems to include the article you are describing, is that it thinks a good marriage means living in a state of perpetual courtship. Courtship is great fun, of course, full of happy hormones and heightened emotions. But it is inherently unsustainable. It is too expensive of resources, and your body will inevitably return to its normal physical and emotional state, no matter what you do.
What you want is that the person who makes your blood pressure rise during the courtship phase should become the person who makes your blood pressure drop throughout the length of your marriage. Perpetual excitement is not sustainable. Perpetual contentment is, and all you need to do to maintain it, and to restore it if it falters, is to look after each other.
Agreed. I've been married 12 years and there is an unexplainable joy in being able to be in the same room with your partner and not say a word and yet be totally symbiotic. There is a silent communication that is unexplained when you really care and get to know your partner. Home is where the heart is...💕
This feels very true to me. Only married a few years but already feels true. It’s more commitment vs always feeling ‘in love’ in that early phase way. A generation got ruined by TV dramas.
If you and your partner are aligned, then it should be like this...once the 'honeymoon phase' passes, it's the daily grind reality. Your partner has your back and is your life partner. The smiles and the tears build the bond. Why would you want to jeopardize the trust? Those that need to find fuel elsewhere is because they have lost focus on their relationship...interesting fact too is that 'focus' in Latin means hearth/fireplace/altar....
“And in a society where everything has to be “explored” or “celebrated,” we’ve forgotten that marriage used to mean a lot to a whole lot of people, and that there is a reason that monogamy requires choosing one person and renouncing all others”. This is the condensing of countless ages of wisdom. Well said.
Agree…EXCEPT…With all the focus on emotional honesty, the claim that “1 in 2 marriages end in divorce” is not true. It’s a cultural cliché that “50% of all marriages” fail, but that 1970s-era headline was a projection, not fact. And a quick check on Google or Snopes.com confirms it:
-The 50% Myth: The statistic was based on projections from the 1970s/80s, which never materialized.
-Declining Rates: Divorce rates have steadily fallen since peaking around 1980.
Also, being married 45 years has shown me that raising kids in a strong marriage that models honesty and mutual growth is the best predictor of their eventual, successful marriages. Thanks!
Society has forgotten that marriage is covenantal. The word covenant is profoundly significant. There will always be a more attractive male/female, someone who shares similar interests; however, making a life long commitment has a significant blessing. Marriage is ebb and flows, but your partner should be your everything...it is completely bonkers to me to confess a flirtation with another partner and your partner is fine with it. There is something wrong there...definitely there is a lack of commitment...
"If they are no longer special to you, then by all means abandon your marriage—but don’t pretend that there’s anything virtuous about seeking validation from another person." While I appreciate the positivity towards monogamy, this sentence reveals the shallowness of the article's defense of tradition. Ultimately, it's probably still based on the same foundation for marriage as Dickson's: an arrangement that is hopefully permanent but maybe not, depending on how you feel about the other person at a given time. You need a deeper understanding of covenant and commitment to properly value lifelong union.
The word “crush” sounds cute and innocent, but it’s emotional adultery, which can and does proceed the act. I am a Christian and in scripture there are many passages that emphasize “guarding your heart” for out of it comes the issues of life. Boundaries aren’t there to steal our fun, they are there to protect that which is most sacred.
I've lived quite a long time. There is a great deal of pop culture writing that undermines relationships. It's been happening for a while. In the 70s, Cosmo promoted free sex and being a married man's mistress. The editor was rich and happily married. It's bilge and should be binned.
This is crazy, and I can't believe she had the nerve to claim crushes are some "mystical secret" to a good marriage. In my past (extremely unhealthy relationship) when I developed real crushes on men outside my relationship, it should have been a warning sign screaming that my relationship was not doing great and that I was deeply unhappy. In my (leagues healthier) relationship with my fiance, we joke that we have eyeballs and we NOTICE attractive people. But neither of us ever remotely get anything akin to butterflies or feel a need to dress up for those others.
You said it all in one of your middle paragraphs, "...therein lies the danger." This delusion goes back at least as far as Eric Jong in 1973 and her zipless fuck. That kind of attraction is a powerful force.
Before I married my mother had a talk with me and explained to
me that as a married woman there were things that I should be careful with. One. Don’t become too close to a male friend or colleague as it is a myth that women are unlike men and cannot love two or even more men at the same time. Close and pleasant contact can turn to love. Not that you wouldn’t continue to love your husband but that you could also love another too and that can create avoidable problems. She also said that who I married was of my choosing and we had to work together to make that choice capable of growing and enriching our relationship. This idea of ‘harmless crushes’ is sheer naivety. Don’t sail your boat too close to the rocks because a slight current in your progress toward a harmless deep friendship can lead to disaster.
Very thoughtful essay, showing an attitude that bodes well for your upcoming marriage. My wife and I have been happily married for nearly forty-six years. I wish the same happiness for you and your husband.
The wise old fairy tales never were so silly as to say that the prince and the princess lived peacefully ever afterwards. The fairy tales said that the prince and princess lived happily ever afterwards; and so they did. They lived happily, although it is very likely that from time to time they threw the furniture at each other.
I just experienced this, but it was appalling instead of cute. It did become an intrusive thought for a long time, but unwanted. You gave me something here I needed at the cosmically correct moment, thank you. Having been married, I can certainly say that having a crush on someone else isn't harmless. It steals mental and emotional space that belongs to your spouse.
As a young married woman, I think people often forget that acknowledging that someone is attractive is different than being attracted to someone. One is acknowledging a physical preference we have as people towards the sex we find attractive , and the other is an allowance of action or emotional involvement with that attractiveness. It is not hard to say to yourself: “ oh yeah that guy is attractive” and move on with your life without imagining things or taking action based on that person’s attractiveness. Especially if you are already committed.
Very well said. I have never married but looking at marriage (including those of my good friends) 'from outside in', it seems to me that marriage can be a source of great joy and since anything good takes work, you should work at making your marriage the best it can be. My suspicion is that E.J. Dickson and those who agree with her are of the political persuasion that can't be bothered with working for anything including a living which they expect to be handed to them by their favored politicians.
As someone coming close to their 40th wedding anniversary, I can say with some confidence that the secret to a good marriage is to look after each other. It is really as simple as that. How you feel about each other will differ from time to time, but if you remain consistent in simply looking after each other, regardless of your feelings of the moment, your feelings will follow your actions reliably and consistently.
The problem with most advice about marriage these days, and that seems to include the article you are describing, is that it thinks a good marriage means living in a state of perpetual courtship. Courtship is great fun, of course, full of happy hormones and heightened emotions. But it is inherently unsustainable. It is too expensive of resources, and your body will inevitably return to its normal physical and emotional state, no matter what you do.
What you want is that the person who makes your blood pressure rise during the courtship phase should become the person who makes your blood pressure drop throughout the length of your marriage. Perpetual excitement is not sustainable. Perpetual contentment is, and all you need to do to maintain it, and to restore it if it falters, is to look after each other.
Agreed. I've been married 12 years and there is an unexplainable joy in being able to be in the same room with your partner and not say a word and yet be totally symbiotic. There is a silent communication that is unexplained when you really care and get to know your partner. Home is where the heart is...💕
Agree. Only married 2.5 years but feel this
This feels very true to me. Only married a few years but already feels true. It’s more commitment vs always feeling ‘in love’ in that early phase way. A generation got ruined by TV dramas.
If you and your partner are aligned, then it should be like this...once the 'honeymoon phase' passes, it's the daily grind reality. Your partner has your back and is your life partner. The smiles and the tears build the bond. Why would you want to jeopardize the trust? Those that need to find fuel elsewhere is because they have lost focus on their relationship...interesting fact too is that 'focus' in Latin means hearth/fireplace/altar....
“And in a society where everything has to be “explored” or “celebrated,” we’ve forgotten that marriage used to mean a lot to a whole lot of people, and that there is a reason that monogamy requires choosing one person and renouncing all others”. This is the condensing of countless ages of wisdom. Well said.
Agreed. Also, I am totally sick of the word “celebrate.”
Agree…EXCEPT…With all the focus on emotional honesty, the claim that “1 in 2 marriages end in divorce” is not true. It’s a cultural cliché that “50% of all marriages” fail, but that 1970s-era headline was a projection, not fact. And a quick check on Google or Snopes.com confirms it:
-The 50% Myth: The statistic was based on projections from the 1970s/80s, which never materialized.
-Declining Rates: Divorce rates have steadily fallen since peaking around 1980.
Also, being married 45 years has shown me that raising kids in a strong marriage that models honesty and mutual growth is the best predictor of their eventual, successful marriages. Thanks!
Society has forgotten that marriage is covenantal. The word covenant is profoundly significant. There will always be a more attractive male/female, someone who shares similar interests; however, making a life long commitment has a significant blessing. Marriage is ebb and flows, but your partner should be your everything...it is completely bonkers to me to confess a flirtation with another partner and your partner is fine with it. There is something wrong there...definitely there is a lack of commitment...
"If they are no longer special to you, then by all means abandon your marriage—but don’t pretend that there’s anything virtuous about seeking validation from another person." While I appreciate the positivity towards monogamy, this sentence reveals the shallowness of the article's defense of tradition. Ultimately, it's probably still based on the same foundation for marriage as Dickson's: an arrangement that is hopefully permanent but maybe not, depending on how you feel about the other person at a given time. You need a deeper understanding of covenant and commitment to properly value lifelong union.
The word “crush” sounds cute and innocent, but it’s emotional adultery, which can and does proceed the act. I am a Christian and in scripture there are many passages that emphasize “guarding your heart” for out of it comes the issues of life. Boundaries aren’t there to steal our fun, they are there to protect that which is most sacred.
I've lived quite a long time. There is a great deal of pop culture writing that undermines relationships. It's been happening for a while. In the 70s, Cosmo promoted free sex and being a married man's mistress. The editor was rich and happily married. It's bilge and should be binned.
This is crazy, and I can't believe she had the nerve to claim crushes are some "mystical secret" to a good marriage. In my past (extremely unhealthy relationship) when I developed real crushes on men outside my relationship, it should have been a warning sign screaming that my relationship was not doing great and that I was deeply unhappy. In my (leagues healthier) relationship with my fiance, we joke that we have eyeballs and we NOTICE attractive people. But neither of us ever remotely get anything akin to butterflies or feel a need to dress up for those others.
You said it all in one of your middle paragraphs, "...therein lies the danger." This delusion goes back at least as far as Eric Jong in 1973 and her zipless fuck. That kind of attraction is a powerful force.
Before I married my mother had a talk with me and explained to
me that as a married woman there were things that I should be careful with. One. Don’t become too close to a male friend or colleague as it is a myth that women are unlike men and cannot love two or even more men at the same time. Close and pleasant contact can turn to love. Not that you wouldn’t continue to love your husband but that you could also love another too and that can create avoidable problems. She also said that who I married was of my choosing and we had to work together to make that choice capable of growing and enriching our relationship. This idea of ‘harmless crushes’ is sheer naivety. Don’t sail your boat too close to the rocks because a slight current in your progress toward a harmless deep friendship can lead to disaster.
Very thoughtful essay, showing an attitude that bodes well for your upcoming marriage. My wife and I have been happily married for nearly forty-six years. I wish the same happiness for you and your husband.
The wise old fairy tales never were so silly as to say that the prince and the princess lived peacefully ever afterwards. The fairy tales said that the prince and princess lived happily ever afterwards; and so they did. They lived happily, although it is very likely that from time to time they threw the furniture at each other.
― G. K. Chesterton
I just experienced this, but it was appalling instead of cute. It did become an intrusive thought for a long time, but unwanted. You gave me something here I needed at the cosmically correct moment, thank you. Having been married, I can certainly say that having a crush on someone else isn't harmless. It steals mental and emotional space that belongs to your spouse.
As a young married woman, I think people often forget that acknowledging that someone is attractive is different than being attracted to someone. One is acknowledging a physical preference we have as people towards the sex we find attractive , and the other is an allowance of action or emotional involvement with that attractiveness. It is not hard to say to yourself: “ oh yeah that guy is attractive” and move on with your life without imagining things or taking action based on that person’s attractiveness. Especially if you are already committed.
David had a crush on Bathsheba. That ended in murder as well as adultery.
Guarding the eyes and guarding the heart are basic elements of protecting a marriage.
Finding someone attractive who is not your spouse is a red flag to stay away.
Anything else is playing games, where marriage should be the most serious commitment in your life.
Very well said. I have never married but looking at marriage (including those of my good friends) 'from outside in', it seems to me that marriage can be a source of great joy and since anything good takes work, you should work at making your marriage the best it can be. My suspicion is that E.J. Dickson and those who agree with her are of the political persuasion that can't be bothered with working for anything including a living which they expect to be handed to them by their favored politicians.